17 November 2009

yeah, so, college is hard.

which is frustrating, because for most of my life, school was a breeze. easy. i always felt really smart. now i just feel like an idiot most days. i'm just shoved so much information, it's overwhelming. see, it's frustrating because i know i'm not an idiot, but as my college education draws to an end, i feel more stupid than when i began. at some point, classroom learning just became really difficult for me. put me in a one-on-one setting, give me some purposeful goal, and i'm great. really great. like at the museum- i was scared to start since i had never really done anything like that before. and i'm really good at it. i can get things done-done well- and i learn a lot in the process. learning is so much more natural, more organic in these kinds of settings. essentially, i learn better when i don't realize i'm learning {a statement that true in many aspects of my life}. it's particularly frustrating because i've always had these really big dreams, and as they get closer- i can almost taste them- it's disheartening because i know that my transcript doesn't reflect my intelligence. my work ethic. my willingness to be taught and learn. and now i just feel them slipping away. yet again.

i've had some people mistakingly tell me that i always get what i want. after all, i'm a genuinely happy person most of the time, so that must mean that everything goes my way, right? wrong. i feel like i can never seem to get those things i most crave, that i, with the best of intentions, inadvertedly screw things up. a wise man once told me that those with the most home runs also have the highest strike out rates. i feel like i've reached the high strike out rate- when do my home runs show up?


i have all sorts of theories for why this could be. growing up, i always read for pleasure. i had a book with me at all times. in them were the friends i didn't have in real life. i was also incredibly involved in music. despite all the tearing down i in experienced in music, i was still passionate about it. it was my kefi. now, though, things are different. i have no time to read what i want to read because i'm busy doing school work. and actually having friends- i have a social life now for the first time. i can remember going out once with school "friends" in high school. i don't do anything with music anymore. i'm resigned to cringing as the pianest can't keep a steady beat at church. this past sunday i led the music in relief society and ward prayer, something i've done plenty of times before. but for some reason, this time, it felt different. i let myself realize how much i've missed that. so much. losing that was like losing a huge part of myself.

it's hard to be motivated, to be passionate, in university because i feel like i don't ever get any positive reinforcment. i know what i do wrong. trust me, i know what i do wrong. i don't need someone to tell me that. but i do need someone to encourage me, to build me and give me the self-esteem. i feel attacked from all sides- either a friend always has to put me down, or another girl has to be disappointed with her grades that are always straight a's, or i'm really intimidated by my professors. it's exhausting. which brings up another point- i'm always so tired. so tired. i hardly have the energy.

anyway, those are my thoughts. i can't wait to graduate in april. provided i don't fail out first.


Jannifer said...

Hang in there Camille. Senior year in college is a rough one, but it will all work out. Those are my words of encouragement. Just know I'm thinking of you. :)

Pago said...

Sweetie! It's your mother! You are right...college is hard and YOU are smart! I remember feeling the same way...high school was a breeze, how come I had to work so hard at college? You can do it! Eye of the tiger! Go for your dreams and see what happens! My dreams changed dramatically as I reached for them...and they turned out BETTER! You are wonderful and have so much to offer in life! Hang in there! Love you!

rebecca said...

love the honesty. i'm there with ya girl. you can do it!!

Pago said...

alright not gonna a lie i was a little creeped out when i saw that i already responded to this but then saw mother did using my account...creepy eh? anywhooo love you bunches of oats. you're like my extra spoonful of raisons! although honestly i don't like honey bunches of oats :) YBIAW