I ordered some shirts at J.Crew on final sale (read: deep discount!) and had them sent to the office, because I knew I wouldn't be able to wait even just a few hours to get home and see their loveliness. They came in a big ol' box, but I didn't want to carry that to/on/from the metro, so being the clever girl that I am, I just stuck them in a Trader Joe's paper bag, folded the bag down flat, and voila! A non-intrusive package full of beauty.
I walked out of the office feeling all proud and smug of my ingenious plan. I was already planning my conversations with my engineer friends, proving to them that I was their equal in ingenuity. "Oh, that's nice that you design fighter jets, but did you know that I thought to put my new shirts in an old TJ's paper bag- folded down flat- so that I wouldn't have to carry a clunky box around town? Who's laughing at my Art History degree now?"
Sitting on the metro, I couldn't help but giggle to myself. "No one knows that there are shirts in this bag! They all think I'm a weird person carrying an empty grocery bag. Oh, the fools! If only they knew!" Clearly, I was drunk on my brilliance. I can't emphasize enough just how smart I felt.
A song with a good beat came on shortly after I got off the metro, and I quite literally danced my way home to it. I ran inside, took off my coat, and brought my bag up to my room. I opened up the bag...and just one shirt slid out. My heart started racing. "There should be two!! Where is the other shirt?? The other shirt is the one that was going to get me a boyfriend!!"* Evidently, it had done the impossible and slipped out of my brilliant folded down TJ's bag. I ran over to Eve's room. "Eve! Can I borrow your car for like 5 minutes?? I've lost my shirt!"
With a confused look (and a hungry one, as we were supposed to be heading out the door to restaurant week), Eve threw me her keys, and I was off. I made it around the corner, saw something small and enclosed in clear plastic, and laughed with relief. There it was! My shirt, still wrapped in the clear plastic sleeve it was delivered in, was just at the neighbor's house! I turned off the car and excitedly ran to...my neighbor's newspaper. I picked it up just to be sure, but nope, it was the pape. Drats!
I was off again. I got in the car and drove slowly with the brights on high. "Man, people just do not bring in their newspapers, do they?" Every newspaper made my heart race, thinking I had caught sight of the shirt that was sure to bring me love. My heart was breaking, over and over and over.
Finally, I got to a point in retracing my steps where I knew I had to park and get out and look. I parked outside of some townhomes, and tried to keep calm. I saw a man walking down the sidewalk, from the direction of the metro. This was it!! Surely this man had seen my shirt!! "Excuse me, sir! Have you seen a shirt laying on the ground? Red with blue bows printed on it? Still in the plastic? The kind of shirt that you'd see and know that you just had to date the girl who was wearing it?" The man took a moment to process my frenzied pleas, and replied that he hadn't seen my lost love. I could tell that he was working our conversation to Let me get your phone number so I can call you if I see it ;) ;) ;) But please, I didn't have time for that. Besides, giving my number to a random man I met in the dark by the metro didn't seem like the best plan.
I dismissed the man, and continued to follow the sidewalk. I turned the bend, and there I was confronted with a sea of uncollected newspapers. I felt so defeated. "Just bring in your damn papers!!!" I screamed internally. Dejected, I turned my face to the right to hide my sorrow. And that's when it happened! There, just off the sidewalk and on someone's front patch of grass (to call it a lawn seems cruel), was my shirt!! My love-finding, new, beautiful beautiful shirt!!! I picked it up with glee!! I held it close to my chest, twirled once, and then ran back to the car. I zipped on home, ran in the front door, and exclaimed, "I found it!! All is right in the world!! I will find love!!" My roommates, the blessed souls that they are, smiled and cheered for me.
And with that, we all bundled up, got in Jessica's car, and drove to dinner at a delicious French restaurant.
*How I rationalize any and all clothing purchases. "But it'll make ma body look great, and the boyz will want to looooove me."
**Not from last night. From the summer, a time when my feet could be free.